A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
