My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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