If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?