I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
