I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
