i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
