I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
false alarm, still single
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
