friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's rum buckets o'clock
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You left your phone here
Wait...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
