OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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