??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
