He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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