I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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