I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
