If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
