On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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