I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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