if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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