Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
