Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Text me some of your sweat
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