My sheets look like a crime scene.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
