So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Terrible idea I love it
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
