All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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