Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize