You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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