if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
COCAINE IS GR8
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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