Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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