I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
