rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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