But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize