I think I died a long time ago.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
