why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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