I'm gonna have a badass scar
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You took a bar mat shot.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
