hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
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maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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