Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
