My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
