he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
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I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
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Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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