I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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