We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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