Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
