I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
