Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Randomize
