y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
