Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.