I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."