i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
