Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
