it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
