All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
