My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
