If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
