It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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