Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
