she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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