everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
