Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
