i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You made out with two different species that night
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
